A Not So Merry Christmas
by Sakura's Pointe Shoes
Summary: Ruth's thoughts during the Christmas party on the grid. A bit of romance, angst, and is AU ish. And the title is misleading, there is a happy ending.


Fandom: MI-5/Spooks Genre: Romance/Angst

A/N: R/H obviously. Spoilers for Season 3-Season 4. This is written in Ruth's POV and is AU kinda.

**DISCLAIMER: Ok, I do not own Spooks or any of its characters, the BBC and Kudos do. Don't sue, I'm not making any money.**

Title: A Not So Merry Christmas (Ruth POV)

This year's Christmas party was a solemn one. Even though the grid was festively decorated and loads of people from other departments came, nobody seemed to be sincerely happy. I stood with Zaf and Jo by my station which I had tried very hard to clean up, but it was simply impossible with all the files and papers scattered all over it. Jo sipped slowly at her eggnog and Zaf just stared into space while I fiddled with the top button of my shirt. It was a nervous habit that I had picked up when I was a child, being someone who never really enjoyed herself at parties. I saw Adam, Colin and Malcom talking to some people near the pods. Adam looked particularly grim. He was far from over his wife's death, I could tell. My gaze had wandered from Adam to Harry, who was busy visiting with some people I didn't know in his office. I sighed tiredly and glanced back at my companions who looked as if they would rather go jump into the Thames from Tower Bridge than spend the night here.

If Danny were here he'd have probably liven up this gathering and make it enjoyable even for the wallflowers like me. I inwardly cursed as I thought of his name. I had put his name along with many others on my "People Not To Be Thought Of" list, and so far I had done a rather good job of keeping all those names out of my mind for my sanity's sake. But now, I just couldn't keep up those defences. Tonight, I allowed myself to wish Danny, Zoe, Tom and Fiona a merry Christmas. I excused myself quickly and Zaf and Jo nodded while I walked toward the drinks on the table by the wall. I poured myself a large drink and held it steadily with my right hand. I leaned against the table and watched Harry who, in perfect timing, looked right at me when I stared at him.

He looked as good as ever this evening, like he didn't have anything to be sad about. Only I could see the look of sorrow in his eyes despite the forced smile and his confident stance. I needed to talk to him so I beckoned him over with a subtle look and waited for him to come to me. Harry stopped in front of me and I smiled at him, or tried anyway. "I'm glad one of us is channeling the Christmas spirit tonight." I wasn't particularly in the mood for his quips. "I just want to go home Harry." I was surprised at how small and weak I sounded. I saw how he itched to kiss me right then and comfort me, but he couldn't. I knew that he knew I'd been thinking of Danny. "Just a little longer Ruth. Just hang in there a little bit longer." I nodded and he glanced at me one more time before turning and mingling with the crowd. I wished he would just hurry up so we could leave! His dark gaze sent pleasant chills down my spine and I felt the familiar heat well up in my core whenever he looked at me like that. Right now I needed him more than I ever did. I needed to be reminded that I wasn't alone and that I was loved. I think he needed to be reminded that I loved him as well.

It would be a half an hour more before I could leave this miserable Christmas Party. The grid became more and more empty by the second, the party was ending slowly, thank God. Adam said goodnight to all of us while supporting Zaf on his shoulder; apparently he had far too much to drink and Adam had called a cab for him to go home. Jo left a while ago claiming she needed to get some sleep because she had some errands to run early tomorrow. Colin retreated to his computer, sorting out some things before leaving. Malcom was probably the first to leave, as he loathed parties twice as much as I do. So Harry and I were the only ones left. We stood on opposite ends of the grid, both of us worn out from entertaining others all night long. He called a cab and we left together since there was no need to worry about making others suspicious; most of the night duty staff had been permitted to leave early so they could be with their families.

When we arrived at his house, I sat myself on the sofa in his living room. I lay down comfortably and shut my eyes while Harry started a fire in the fireplace to expel the winter chill that had settled inside. We didn't turn any of the lights on, the glow of the crackling fire was comforting in its merry appearance. Harry lay on his back sideways on the sofa and I was on top of him, we were snuggled warmly together. "I wish we could have done this all night." Harry murmured as he stroked my hair softly. I smiled with my eyes closed. All of my dark thoughts from earlier on had melted away. I guess that I was finally ready to let Danny and the others go, I told myself that they would be happy wherever they were and I realized that in doing that, I was actually setting myself free.

Harry kissed my forehead so I looked at him with a new sparkle in my eye. He was taken aback for I had lost the gloom in my demeanor and I was genuinely at peace. I moved up his body slowly so I could reach his lips. "Everything's alright now?" I laughed softly at his tone of voice and kissed him deeply. "You have no idea." He kissed me back and we enjoyed the rest of our Christmas together.

END

A/N: And now I feel like posting a lemony companion piece along with this story. You readers are probably thinking "Ew, a RH lemon!" LOL...


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